Dear Diary

I’ve got problems. I’ve got a chronic pain problem. My guts are a wreck and cause I’ve got problems, mostly with alcohol my guts don’t get better. Yesterday was horrible. I ate next to nothing all day, I drank no water. Not even with my meds in the morning (I hate my meds) And then I had a not so great idea. I just wanted to feel better, I wanted to be hungry and feel good sooooooooooo bad! I decided to drink 😦 In the short term, I felt amazing! I laughed and had a great time, it even peaked my apatite and I ate without a care like I wanted to oh soo badly all day! I enjoyed every bite. I didn’t really even drink a lot I had maybe four or five beer. But it hit me fast and hard (I am thinking maybe one of the beers @ the pub was spiked) I hardly remember getting home. I purposefully avoided take’n my medication (which turns out was a good decision according to the walk-in clinic I went to today) I avoided take’n it cause I know with alcohol it can alter my mood. And man, is my mood ever altered. It took me till about 1:30 Pm today just to get move’n and I still don’t feel amazing. This raking, gnawing headache is gonna drive me mad.

I am glad I decided to go see a doctor. It made me feel better that my brain is probably ok. But it turns out it’s my heart that I should be more worried about. I really wish the pharmacist had been more specific when I asked about interactions. More specific than it will toy with my moods. How about there is a risk of irregular heart rhythm when mixed with alcohol. The doctor says my vitals are normal, keep an eye on things and stick to an all fluid diet for today and tomorrow (July 27th and 28th) And I must say my doctor was BEAUTIFUL! She had the most exquisite accent. Perfect skin, like cream. Very gentle and kind, she didn’t rush or dismiss me. I often get dismissed the moment they find out I have mental health issues 😦 She had gorgeous dark hair and eyes. I was almost speechless @ 1st. I did manage to unwrap my tongue and get out everything I wanted to say tho. And I guess that’s the important part.

Oh I wish Connections was tomorrow. I could really use some support. I called the mobile mental health crises team this morning but just as they answered my roommate came home. I don’t wanna worry him with my fucked up issues. He has enough on his own plate with moving and business ect. I miss Mike (my Connections contact person) and Heather, she is awesome! I miss Nancy, she is always so reassuring. I’m not sure why with all these great people in my life and my persistent need to be so paranoid about my intake and germs I would choose to go out and purposefully poison myself 😦 I guess it’s like I said in the beginning (of this somewhat confessional) I just wanted to escape and feel better. But now I just feel worse! Today is the 1st day of no more drinks. I shouldn’t be drinking anyways, not even one. It’s obvious I can’t limit it to just one.

I feel kinda good about the situation in the sense that I’ve not used alcohol in an abusive way since my late teens/early twenties. And since I’ve started drinking again, I’ve not used it in an abusive way till last night (July 26) I love beer, I love to try new beer and I’m very much gonna miss it but it’s for the better. I need my heart and my intestines and my bowels and my mental health more than I need beer. I’m glad I’m not hooked on the hard stuff. I really feel like I need to take a nap.

I tried to fix my mattress today. And in about ten minutes it will be the moment of truth. Will the patch work or not. The glue has to be dry, it’s been 3 hrs. Till next time Diary, Thanks for listening.

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