I made it to Connections. It took every ounce of my being to get out the door. I rode my bike, I really don’t think I could have stomached take’n the bus this morning. I barely made it through brushing my teeth this morning without barfing up whatever is left of my dignity. Why do I make such bad decisions, this was supposed to be one good night. I keep have’n these flashes of terror that I got followed into the washroom and raped or something, my mind is going major paro. I kinda just wanna craw into a corner and ball. But it won’t make anything better.
I got in the door here and I went straight to Nancy and I told her exactly what happened and that I am in bad shape for it. I do to good of a job @ holding it together, I am fending off random panic attacks and I don’t know if my heart is fucking up or if I’m just have’n attacks. I think I feel better then the 1st day, Saturday but I’m not really sure. Nancy says all that stuff would be outta my system now but I don’t feel like it.
I’m gonna go and drink my Vitamin Water now.