lather, rinse… repeat

9:15 Pm and I’ve been standing in the shower for… I don’t know how long. Staring at my lathered hands, I rinse and repeat. Three days of missed/late meds and fucked up sleep schedule it took to start destabilizing my mental health. I woke up Saturday @ 5 Pm, can’t remember if I took my morning meds or my night meds. I have this fantasy where I followed all the prescribed rules, just backwards. Sunday, again I slept till 5 Pm. This time I woke up and the thoughts came back, hit me like a truck. An overwhelming flood of emotion, a panic attack of sorts. An overwhelming feeling of guilt. For what? And the death, its always nearby but lately not such a preoccupation. The pills shut it out when ya don’t fuck around with the schedule or miss em. I figured ya know, at least a week before I would notice the impact. And I’ve stayed up late before, never slept till 5 Pm the next day though. Maybe 1 Pm. My entire weekend routine is fucked. My eating schedule is fucked. I ate what, a muffin and a couple cookies today with some mint tea. I’ve been hiding out in my room the remainder of my day. My only conversation, passing hello’s and how are you’s with my roommates. I say it’s a cold, I don’t want to be different. I wonder how long it will take me to fix this? A week. Can I fix it? Ugh looks like my train of rushing thoughts and I will be visiting Connections tomorrow. On the bright side, I’ve not drank copiously or exposed myself to any other types of drugs. Street or otherwise. I don’t have much of an appetite. Been eating peanut butter sandwiches. But only after I wash my hands three or four times. I think to bed early and to rise early is the answer here. Go to Connections and stay busy, talk with someone. I hope there is time for CBT tomorrow. I live for CBT these days. I can’t wait to see Mike, Heather, Jamie and Krista. I can’t wait to see my friends. Maybe I will help with dinner or something, I can never remember what goes down on Tuesdays. Guess I’ll find out when I get there.

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