some days…

Today started, well. Not too bad I guess. Woke up, rubbed the dirt outta my eyes and had a look out the window. It was what I expected, stormed overnight and the roads/sidewalk were a mess. Good old prompt municipal service here in Halifax, something I don’t miss at all. I got up, washed my face and brushed my teeth. Made an effort to look half presentable then out the door for Teamworks/Workbridge.

There was no sidewalk to be seen. Covered in about 10 cm of snow. I don’t have proper boots lol, so out I trekked in my runners.

Fifteen minutes late I sign in @ reception and Thankfully there was no half hour wait to see someone even tho I was already late. Like ya know at the doctors office, even if your late ya still wait half hour, an hour to see someone. Sometimes longer.

A woman promptly comes out to great me, petite and a beautifully fresh face. Easy on the eyes at 9 Am. (hope that’s not inappropriate for one to write about their employment counselor lol) I’m really not a morning person, takes me till like noon to come outta my waking coma. I stumbled through the interview, most of the time wandering my eyes over the office paying little attention to what was actually going on. The lighting was nice, low, one could maybe even say… dark. But comforting. And a picture of a dog. I looked at it several times, trying to figure out why there are no pictures of family or anything… That I could see. But ya know, come into my home and have a look around my room. There are no photos of my family, not even my dog. Mostly cause I don’t have one.

Then my case worker and I sorta struck common ground. She asked me about family, my son. And we met in the middle, an understanding. Her and I are private and quiet people. We communicate out of purpose, as long everyone is doing Ok and we have heard no disastrous news, we go about our business.

We went on to talk about my past work history, past education. My future, career goals ect. And I can tell you, this time around I am more ready than I was in my early 20’s. In my early 20’s, I had no idea what the fuck I was doing. Felt like no one else knew what the fuck they were doing. I should have been a member at Laing House or Connections. I should have been in detox and medicated. But ya know when I look back on it, I don’t think I’d do anything different. With the exception of a mistake or two I feel off about, regarding love. I might have fought a bit harder for things that I shoved aside out of pride and fear. Life is like that tho, ya win some and you loose some. Hopefully you learn from your mistakes. You move on. I am going to be 30 in just a few months. It feels like time to learn from the past and take control of my future, set aside my pride and confront my fears. Get shit done.

I had a mini battle in my mind shortly after my appointment. Go to Connections or not. Well, I decided not to go. On a whim, I said to myself if I set outside and there is a bus waiting. I will go. If not, I’ll grab some groceries and head home. By this time the temp has come up and its raining/freezing rain. My feet are soaked. Connections closed down due to bed bugs just the day before, I reasoned to myself. Get your groceries and stay home.

I stayed home, and I feel a tremendous amount of guilt. Oddly. I went back to bed around 12 Noon, took a nap and was awakened by a call from my worker. (bout 3 Pm) He was just checking in on me, wanted to make sure I knew about the bedbug thing and to take precautions. Which I did… Getting up and around has been a chore. I don’t feel like doing anything. I can’t even really be bothered to play a game I typically enjoy. Movies put me to sleep. Connections is really part of my drill. When I don’t go, it fucks my entire day sorta. Throws me off balance. I can’t remember if I took my meds this morning or not. That doesn’t help. I woke with the all to familiar feeling, impending doom. My roommate is gonna wanna try to watch a movie or tv tonight and I’m really just not feeling it. He tries soo hard to be my friend. But I don’t try very hard back. I have no interest. I don’t know why. Just doesn’t click for me. I don’t have to like everyone 😛 and not everyone has to like me back. In fact I count on people not liking me. It has never been a pre req in my life that I feel liked and loved by others. Ya either like me or ya don’t and I don’t spend a lot of time over thinking it.

Well. I am gonna try and get on with whats left of my day. Thanks for reading, if you read 🙂

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