I miss meds. When I miss em…
Things get real fucked up.
Last night I am pretty sure I missed my meds. When I say pretty sure, I have no idea. I have tried many different tricks to indicate that I’ve taken my meds. If I take them, I question if I really did take them. My latest attempt to document taking my meds includes taking a picture of my the medication.
The problem, I can’t remember if I took a pic. I look @ my phone and I don’t necessarily believe I took the pic. So I took my meds and forgot to take the pic? I tell myself, no picture means I didn’t take them. But again, I don’t believe it. Then I get scared I’m doubling up. Or I get scared I’m not take’n enough and I’m really tweaking my brain. The paranoia over just this along with many other obsessions that I struggle to keep on lockdown are sometimes enough to ask if I am legit loosing my mind or my memory.
Most of the time I just ignore it. But it’s something I need to get under control. I want to return to work. I want to have a successful relationship. I want to be successful in my entrepreneurial pursuits.
Last night I am pretty certain I missed my meds. I don’t know for sure, but I am pretty sure. I didn’t sleep at all, which is a pretty good indicator. If I do take them I can’t stay awake. If I don’t take em I wake up in an anxiety ridden cold sweat. I am often confused and agitated. And oddly enough I’m hyper-sexual. This particular med I take suppresses my sex drive. I’m really sensitive to the medication, if I make even the slightest change it upsets my routine and fucks my mood and my day.
I feel like almost a prisoner. I take X amount of this med and now I am dependent. I try to make a change and shit goes sideways. And it is never a good time for shit to go sideways. I am trying to work and be functional. I don’t want to be a slave to this.