I’m an introvert.

I’m an introvert. And sometimes I feel like its not by choice…

As a general rule I keep to myself. I keep to myself for many reasons. The major reasons; I have a mental health disorder that contributes towards anti-social behaviors and a blunted affect. Social programming courtesy of a religious upbringing that encourages limiting social interactions with the world and the people in it. Accompanying the behavioral issues and social programming is a unexplained drive to maintain an anonymous sense of privacy. My personal life is no one’s business but my own and in turn I don’t want to know about the personal lives of others.

A guarded heart is also a huge contributor, like everyone in life I’ve been wronged. I have a sensitive heart and I’d rather shield it behind a wall of independence and an dismissive attitude than expose it like raw nerve to be plucked at whim. Lastly I despise drama, back biting and rumor mongering. Truth is, we live in such an automated society that idle hands and minds run rapid. Most all our social media and passive interactions thrive on drama, conflict, unfriendly competition, deceit, independent acts of violence, global acts of violence and ignorance, the result is desensitization and indifference. I find trying to be extroverted tiring, I don’t really like large crowds. I don’t engage in many of the vices people find each other having common interests in. I don’t really party, I don’t drink, don’t smoke, don’t do drugs. My interests however do run deeply embedded in my personality but don’t seem to resonate well with the majority of society. I enjoy life being alone for the most part.

But… I feel like I have a social responsibility to engage the people around me. Notice my community and identify with being part of it, locally and globally. I believe finding the right balance is possible and I’ve been experimenting. Setting goals to interact with complete strangers at regular intervals and now that I am employed in a position that directly exposes me to the public I find myself learning how to express genuine empathy, share happiness and acknowledge the strengths/weaknesses in others. Sometimes it feels good and sometimes it feels bad. That’s life and there is no sense hiding from it. I’m a person and I consider myself of importance to my community, with that said… Logic dictates that the other people in my community are important too. It’s time to get engaged.

I’ve got a lot of catching up to do 🙂 Plus its really hard to find someone to love and share experiences with when I spend all my time avoiding people.

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