down for the count :(

Lately I’ve been wondering about in the sun by day and home watching Netflix by night.  Everywhere I go people are holding hands, publicly displaying their mutual affection or in some cases dissatisfaction one sided or not. I see purposeful emotionally elating movie scenes that make me wish I was in love all over again and then I also see the gut wrenching truth of breaking up, cheating, loosing the one you love to suffering and death. I think about these things and sometimes just the thought of even beginning to cope with the reality of such complex emotions is overwhelming. On top of the myriad of walls I already pile in my way of finding a special someone, today I added one more to the list. Albeit a temporary one an extra wall none the less.

Ya know. Most of the time I don’t mind being alone. Alone is a safe place, I don’t have to experience many unexpected emotions which pretty much always overwhelm me. I take my meds and go about my business living life purposefully choosing not to invest any part of myself emotionally in the people around me. I am aware of the world around me but its a battle. A battle I feel like I’m on the loosing side of most of the time. Ugh normal, I think this is normal. Pretty sure this is it.

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