Or do your medications make running your life easier?
Above; This handful of medications run my life, every day at 1:00 Pm and 10:00 Pm my world grinds to a halt and like clockwork I swallow the cornucopia of drugs.
I can confidently say that seven pills a day is likely a very small quantity compared to what some people are taking. The point to this post is to ask the question; How does it make you feel? Pros and Cons.
For me, taking my pills is a double edged sword. Taking them allows me to be productive, I get things done. Presently I am pursuing a University Education, I work part time raising money for much needed medical equipment in our local hospital. I volunteer in the Arts or at community events during the rest of my free time. Then somewhere in between I manage to hit the gym and cycle or hike a few hours a week.
The opposite edge of the sword; When I get busy, when I feel good I get lazy about taking my pills. I get the alarm, but I dismiss it and say to myself in 10 minutes I’ll take them. Then hours pass. Then I can’t remember if I took them. I play a game in my head. Did I take them? I roll the dice, sometimes I didn’t take them. Sometimes I double up, sometimes I miss them all together.
My life begins to destabilize, and then I start taking steps backwards. It always takes me a few weeks to get back on track. I’m actually in the process of getting back on my feet this week. Last week I had multiple missed or doubled up doses.
I’ve dropped one shift a week at my work, thankfully they know I have a disability and they are being flexible. It really effects my motivation to get things done. I am actually blogging from home today. Normally by this time I’m outta the house, I’m at Connections. I’m starting my Volunteer shifts and practicing my Art ect.
I am happy to have such a supportive group of workers and associates that work with me to make sure things like this don’t derail my life. But the ultimate question; How does it make me feel?
For the first time in more then 15 Yrs I feel at peace of mind. I feel like I’m living my life more as a pilot than a passenger. I am not bound to my home by crippling anxiety. I don’t hear the sounds or experience the visual hallucinations. I am productive, I am active in my community. I am branching out and exploring what it means to be social in the world outside religious constraints. Taking my meds makes me feel amazing, but sometimes it makes me think… Am I a prisoner? Am I a slave to the plastic bottles that rattle in my bag. I get scared about what might happen to my life if I was forced to stop taking them. Due to lack of coverage, or if there was some sort of natural disaster that caused a shortage. Sometimes I am scared of my medications.
Most of the time I love my medications. I love that I’m getting things done. I love that I can engage my family, my friends, my workmates, the world around me.
I guess most of the time trying to focus on the positive is the answer. And I know that there is a very simple solution to this problem. The Pharmacy now dispenses my medication in medpaks that are labeled with the date and time. I have been very resistant to this solution. I like to think at the very least I’m capable of taking my meds. Taking them on time, its not like I’m 50 Yrs plus with failing eye sight or failing memory. I’m just a guy that feels like living my life and being engaged is normal. Putting the world on pause to take my meds feels unnatural, disruptive.