My Music Monday; Groove Armada – time and space

I’m gonna mix in a little recovery Day X with this post…

Its been a couple, nah maybe a few weeks since my last post. I really needed some time and space in more than one way. My social routine was becoming too routine and I’m being forced to make some changes.

My short lived relationship attempt really is a failure that I need to acknowledge. Not because it CAN’T work but because it SHOULDN’T work. I think we both see that and I don’t pressure her, she doesn’t indulge me… It just worked out that way. Not from a lack of trying though. We still have our friendship, with a little “time and space” it is something that will last a long time I hope. Can’t lie though, I already miss sharing the physical and intellectual landscape with another person so closely. Being alone is simple but somehow the adjustment feels so complicated.

I’ve found myself needing to withdraw from society a little. I get the warning signs. Anything and everything drives me to near homicidal madness. The person walking too slow on the sidewalk, the dirty and sickly fucker on the bus that can’t be bothered to shower. The one that snarfs down a litre of snot and spits on the bus floor. The circular ramblings of society about politics, religion, equality, sex (that no one is having)… Impatient egomaniacs that want to micromanage the world but take no responsibility for dropping the ball because obviously it could not have been their fault. But the fault of someone working under their guiding hand. The world tweaks my mind and I don’t like it. So I vacation from time to time, like everyone else but instead of going out into the world. I stay in and pass the time gluing my fractured mind back together.

I know that “time and unforeseen occurrences befall us all”. But there is nothing I feel more broken over these days then the crushing defeat of not meeting a goal. We are not talking by a few days or weeks either. I am talking Months. I have soo many goals it spans into my retirement and on into the afterlife. The problem is that I see one topple and well thats not soo bad but then another follows, and another. Before I know it goals and deadlines are pouring off the calendar like monsoon rains. Then even the simplest act of getting out of bed in the morning becomes a goal in itself. Showering, brushing my teeth. Leaving the house. I start from the ground up, struggling to just take care of myself let alone accomplishing anything of note.

Today was my first day back to work in over a week. I had to be human today. Thankfully my manager requires I look human while also performing my job tasks. I wake up, wash my face and brush my teeth. I smell good, trim my beard and fix my hair just so. And I wander out of my repair bay into the real world. Often I don’t like it at first, but I get used to it. By time I get off (literally and figuratively) I feel like maybe there is a little more fuel in the tank. I come home, and I write. After I write, I do. After this I will reevaluate, reorganize, re crunch the numbers, rebuild…

 

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