March 10th, 2007; full body scan

A bit of a blast from the past for my readers on this bright & beautiful night. I wrote this shortly after moving out on my own for the first time. I had a diagnosis but no cure. This is a reflection of that time in my life when there was really no beginning, as I’ve not known life without my mind. And I perceived no end, my ignorant blissful state of being young… Invincible. Enjoy:

FULL BODY SCAN by Ross W

Saturday and midday, hot as hell in my apartment. Quiet as night and lonely.

Not a thing goin down today, gives me some reflection time. Its not often I encounter a day where there is nothing @ all goin on. Most people are out doing the everyday things and honoring their responsibilities.

Sometimes I envy their drive, most of the time I am certain tho it is me who is envied. My present situation has kinda left me adrift, a soul meandering through the landscape of the mind’s eye.

I am having one of those days, I can’t find the conviction to assign any real value to a specific task and stay motivated to do anything. I want to talk to people but I don’t wanna speak and I wanna listen but I don’t wanna hear. I ate today simply cause it was essential to my survival and for no other purpose, I showered ta try and jump start this day but it just wasn’t happen’n.

There is a void here and I am not certain what it is, it consumes my mind energy and drags my psyche into seclusion. Whats out there? There is something goin down beyond the parameters of my apartment and it conspires against my physical being. I am aware of it but I am not sure what it is.

I just finished droning thru the house completing some random tasks, a fruitless attempt to organize the outside cause the inside is a scramble of data compiled over a multitude of days, hours, minutes and seconds and it needs to be dumped. I repeatedly rummage thru my subconscious trying to drag fwrd the culprit soo the memory may be dealt with and the matter closed.

The opportunity to contemplate many great things along with many minds, also grasping for understanding has been available via the internet and for that I am grateful. There is a time when man should not be left alone even when he asks of it. For the battle inside his mind is greater than that ever fathomed by an outsider. All they see is the husk of a human being, wandering about this physical linear plain of existence…

Asking myself many questions today I cannot answer one of them, it is not a simple idea to accept. No answer @ all to questions which swim in the mire of this worlds fucked up social systems. I desire to be no part of it but my body’s primal being craves it! I don’t want it but there is a part that needs it, and WHY!? Is what I want to know. Why do I want it? I hate it soo but the rush, temptation, anticipation, desire, wonder, anxieties and pain. Without them what is a person? Yet we all desire to to eliminate what I strive to feel.

The “I against I”

In retrospect I ask does this information, just spewed from my brain make any sense? It was in there and it needed to get out. Its exorcism from my mind has really not made any immediately measurable change in my present state of satisfaction altho it has tired me out. I think a nap is in order? I will retire and hopefully on the other side of this rest I will be a bit more complete…

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