a powerful enemy

Creature Comforts

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Above; This is how I used to live. I slept on the floor and rummaged through a handful of bags whenever I needed anything. Occasionally I’d rummage through a plastic container. A person may look at this and think it doesn’t look soo comfortable. Don’t get me wrong, I know that there are people out there with less and sleep on the street etc. etc. The point is compared to how I live now… This was a rough and minimalist existence.

This photo represents a significant reset. When I was younger, in my late teens and early twenties I literally lived in an apartment on the floor, outta a box. I had a box, in the box was clothing and bedding. Also a dollarama clock. A few keepsakes. That was the way till I got married (which didn’t last long) and on into my first place on my own.

I then had a bed, that was a big step up. Most of my furniture was folding or packable. I lasted on my own for about a year and then RESET. This time in Toronto. I arrived in Toronto off the train with nothing but a rucksack full of clothes and my bike.

Entering Toronto & a new relationship I really didn’t start to accumulate things like I predicted. My partner at the time had lots of life stuff, ya know like knives & forks. Her and I were similar in the sense that we didn’t really latch onto material things. If we could afford it, we had it but we didn’t lose sleep over not having the biggest TV. The biggest investment she made was a real bed. Before that it was just a box spring & mattress on the floor. The biggest investment I made… I bought a new bike. Making that bike three in my stable. Oh and a new desk! I still have it. Nice BIG work surface, that I don’t do any work on lol.

And then RESET… We broke up (I still kinda regret it). I moved outta the bedroom and into the living room where I was permitted to stay until a new place for me and my box of things could be secured; I found a place and surprisingly quick! I had a friend help me relocate. When I found that all my belongings fit into a single car load (less the bikes, cause they are awkward to fit in any vehicle cept for a truck or bike rack) there was a wave of relief & freedom that swept over me. Even my tiny new place felt like a castle.

And then RESET… I got sick; Long story short, I went a little bonkers. I couldn’t return to work and so the packing began. Again, all my belongings fit into one Toyota Corolla. Boarding a plane back to the East Coast, Halifax I began the process of starting over.

I bounced around a bit couch surfing with family, I roomed for a bit in a house full of university students (felt a little out of place as I was nearing thirty). Then I got lucky and found a kind soul handing me the keys to independence. I was destine to RESET at least one more time before discovering my arch enemy was the very thing that I was seeking feverishly. The idea and the fruition of being “comfortable”.

I have been in my current location now for over one year. I now have a bed, a desk, bookcase and nightstand with a vase. I have artwork hanging on the walls, art I picked out on my own. Some of the art I made myself. I have lamps, beautiful paper shaded lamps. I have room to work. I have room to stable my collection of bikes (which has grown to four bikes now). I have soo much stuff! More than I have ever had AND…

My comfort makes me LAZY AS FUCK! I mean sure, I leave the house every day for work and my heart really is in my work. But when I come home; I put on my favorite hoodie, turn the heat up and eat takeout in front of a movie. Usually sleep follows. I’ll sleep a couple hours and then check facebook, go back to bed. I hate checking my email, which is something I never used to let go unchecked. Waking in the morning is a drag, I don’t want to leave my warm cubby comfort for the frigid cold. I used to be hearty, fuck the cold and I’d walk, ride, ski ect. everyday! But now I take the bus. I walk fast from the door to the stop and bitch about how long it takes. I’m turning soft.

I’d ride out every night after work in Toronto to be social, drink and eat;

I was in peak adventure mode pre-treatment for my mental health. I felt like shit to such a point it was torture to sit still. I painted, joined & attended groups, fundraisers, public speaking events. I left the house every single day and never stopped from 8 Am to 8 Pm and sometimes later. But now, I’m a blop. I feel like a blop. Something needs to…

RESET.

 

 

Aries; Anything but Empty

When my Life & the Stars collide (Pt. 45)

horoscope-aries-tattoo-designSource: horoscope.com || Janurary 6, 2016

The house might seem rather empty today, Aries, as most of the other members of your household are probably out and about. This is, however, a good time for you to take care of some projects of your own that you’ve been putting off. They might be tedious and rather boring, but think how good you’ll feel when they’re finally done! In the evening you might entertain some visitors. Enjoy your day.

Empty is a feeling I very rarely experience, especially when it comes to my environment. People or members are not really necessary. I mean factually there are no members of my household to be out and about. I guess in a way one could say that my projects are a little like children. I tend to them here and there, watch them grow. Some rebell others turn out spoiled with attention and few grow up into outstanding, contributions to society lol.

To be finished, finally done. I think that would be very boring. I’m not certain anything is really finished. Even here on my blog, occasionally I read back. Twenty or thirty posts and I make little tweaks.

In the evening I must admit entertainment is the devil here lol. I invite one sided conversations from the BBC, twitch.tv and google play into my home. Often all speaking at once, talking over one another and never about the same thing. It all comes out in the wash though, a man once said.

Enjoy my day, and my evening. I will.

An Industrial Vibe

And and little bit of History;

I’ve been walking about the train tracks near my apartment. I collect little bits of the nuts & bolts, the broken bones of aging tracks. Right now some of my findings are a bit more interesting than the average railway spike.

Here in Dartmouth I live just under an 50+ Yr old bridge that is going through a major facelift. The Big Lift is the first ever in history undertaking of completely refurbishing a bridge while it is still open (Hit the link for more information). Some of the parts jammed into this vase are original parts shed from the bridge construction.

a little boost plx

Coffee is not the answer.

I’ve been trying the coffee thing. I’ve tried energy drinks, tea & ginseng hits ect. The natural and the impure. Most of it actually boosts me for about 30-40 Min and then I crash and typically fall asleep.

I sleep more now in my 30’s recreationally than ever before. I sleep in, sleep late. I nap most evenings after eating, I nap away entire days off. I have no idea why. I’m actually starting to find it quite frustrating.

My activity levels have dropped off. Not riding my bike nearly as much as I would like. Not getting out as much as I’d like. And not cause I don’t want it, there is just a complete lack of motivation.

I’m putting on weight (which is near unheard of for me) and I don’t even wanna pour any time into something simple and non committal like a video game. Right now I lack soo much commitment I don’t even feel like committing to something that requires zero commitment lol.

Anyone out there feeling the grind?

Aries; Curious, Grateful, Socialite?

When my Life & the Stars collide (Pt. 44)

horoscope-aries-tattoo-designSource: horoscope.com || December 12, 2015

The day is good for people with curiosity and imagination – including you! Since you’re not exactly in tip-top emotional shape, you’ll be especially grateful for the gifts today brings. If you’re eager to meet other people or explore new activities with friends, do so. The aspect is conducive to fun.

This little project, tracking my horoscope is something I used to really look forward to. If any of you have read my previous posts from the Aries series you know the drill.

I ONLY READ HOROSCOPES THE DAY AFTER PUBLISHING…

I am a pretty Curious person, I mos def have the imagination part covered. But; was yesterday a good day? The morning was pretty rough, I overslept. Spent $30.00 on a cab to work. And forgot my phone charger. Not off to a good start.

I’m pretty much never in “tip-top” emotional shape. Part of my mental health diagnosis includes a very blunted, almost flat affect. I love gifts, I love people, I miss things that pass be it friends, family or household pets. My projection of these emotions into the real world is hardly proportionate compared to the mini emo storm being experienced inside my head.

And lastly; I am not a Socialite. Actually very much the opposite, I am a pretty hardcore introvert. In no way do I find new activities with friends “conducive & fun” … I mean there is a certain fondness shared for good company but I’m not gonna put on my dancing shoes and my little black dress.

Sorry horoscope.com, you were way off the mark this time. 

Maybe next time 😉

 

recovery Day X – reboot

After Recovery…

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It has been a while since my last post… I typically posted here mostly about my recovery progress (sometimes retrogress) and after achieving an unprecedented state of mental health wellness; posting here pretty much completely halted.

Recovery in my experience over the past ten plus years has taught me that it is a perpetual state of mind, body & spiritual evolution. For the longest time effort required to simply exist felt paralyzing. Then life changed for me. Huge life changes. Hospitalization, Medications, countless hours spent with Support Workers, Psychiatrists & Peers propelled me into a state of recovery and beyond. 

Now that I’m here, at recovery the beyond part it is proving a bit illusive. Getting to the hear & now was actually pretty simple in comparison to where I’m trying to go for my future; In the past I set goals, put my head down and worked hard until success was firmly within my grasp.

After locking down full time employment with IDEALBIKES and committing myself to excellence in our Bayers Lake, Halifax N.S. Canadian location the rest fell to the wayside. Creative productivity is practically non existent. Even my hobbies lack the feeling of purpose. They are more of a mindless and madly off in all directions waste of time. Escapism. And… I am NOT Ok with that. Escapism IS fine, but everything needs to be forward moving to satisfy my unquenchable thirst to succeed & matter. Matter to me if not anyone else.

And soo we come full circle back to the origin story of recovery_channel™. A story about moving forward, making progress. The pursuit of Passion, Productivity & Purpose. And most importantly accountability; To Myself.

My Career & Passion @ IDEALBIKES 

My Creative Productions @ recovery_channel™ studio

My sense of Purpose in all I do. Work, Creativity, Escape;

I’m back to the keyboard, I have my head down and I’m getting shit done.

recovery Day X – PAINT IT RED!

For the first time ever in my life…

2015-09-23-01-54-43-federal-election-big-box-GenericEnglishOct. 19th, 2015 I woke up, tossed on my clothes. Wearing whatever was laying on the floor from the night before. I washed my face, skipped brushing my teeth and stuffed every piece of identification at my disposal into my jacket pocket. I didn’t want Elections Canada to have any excuse to turn me away. Ya see, I have never voted before in my life. I have always identified as being politically neutral…

This election I couldn’t justify standing by watching as the rest of the country decides my future without my say. Why now, and never before?

Well the decisions made by our previous Harper government hit very close to home. Deal breakers for me. And I know now that the election is over Conservative Party decisions were deal breakers for many other Canadians. My perception is that the Harper government damaged the idea of what it means to be Canadian.

Consider that I have never been a “patriotic” person per say. I do enjoy living in Canada. I don’t think I’d much care to live anywhere else. One major reason why I like living here… Our country’s image on the world scene. We project wholesome and mindful, carefully considered and weighted responsible decisions. Under the Harper government I felt like we strayed far from our core Canadian values like never before. I felt like if there was ever a time to speak up this election was my time to do it.

Another milestone under my belt. Another decision made possible by hard work, careful planning and an unprecedented state of recovery! Life is Grand 🙂