recovery Day X; Satisfaction Guaranteed

When I unplugged my recovery support unit…

I found a whole new world. I am back to work now, most anyone that reads my blog knows I’m now working in the bike industry again. And… I LOVE IT!

I know transitioning is hard, I did it slow. I set 3 Goals, part time work (started at the QEII) then two part time jobs within 6 Months to a Year (I was hired on with FRED 6 Months after the QEII) I then worked for FRED and IDEALBIKES for another 3 – 6 Months and now recovery Day X lands directly on top of full time employment with IDEALBIKES.

I love it, I love my co-workers & my employer is amazing. I mean all workplaces have their hiccups and I am not always the most passive person making grinding gears a touch more common BUT… There is very little stress thanks to the management style of my employer.

I never thought this is where life would land me. I made a plan though, I sat down with my councilors. We started with the simple stuff, wake up in the morning. Shower, brush your teeth. Leave the house and be productive. Every Day! Even if your productivity yields the smallest of rewards.

And you know, I had set backs. I made mistakes. I lapsed once. I learned my life lessons. Here I am, standing at the gates of achievement. The gates have opened and I see nothing but endless opportunity. And it all starts with setting a small goal in the shadow of a bigger picture.

Don’t be scared, step out into the world… But walk at your own pace. Success comes in all shapes and sizes. Be kind to yourself and live to the maximum potential your situation permits. Satisfaction Guaranteed 😉

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Aries; Unsolicited Communications

When my Life & the Stars collide (Pt. 4)

horoscope-aries-tattoo-designThursday night, sitting at the Spot. I’m mingling with some participants, chit chatting with my worker Heather. Her and I weigh the scales. Pros and Cons of going to university. She thinks… Knows actually its a good investment. I know its a good investment.

I’ve tried going back more than once. I tried to upgrade my high school ed. I’ve got my grade twelve but I could have done better. I am doing better. This is the highest I’ve ever climbed since exiting the hospital two years ago.

Long story short I briefly mentioned to Heather that I’m having trouble with production. My motivation to create is too focused on the creepy fucked up shit you write in secret. The things that go bump in the night and scare you out of your skin… your sleep.

I leave the house. Go to shows, but all I can do is criticize. Really I don’t find inspiration while staring at the awesome creations of my competitors. The pavement outside most galleries is more interesting to me.

Heather quickly related a few of her educational experiences. I guess in the arts, first year you don’t get to be a critic. You get to be an observer. Your response to the world around you and the shit art put there for the world to see… It’s just pink, or its just blue. It’s smooth or rough.

I’m fuck’n it up and I haven’t even started university yet lol…

I put my head down and scribbled away the Thursday evening spot session.

Friday Morning. I walk into the office and find on my desk, The New Yorker. Face down on my keyboard exposing the gloss back and the first line reads,

IT IS NOT THE CRITIC 

WHO COUNTS;” and it continues…

THE CREDIT BELONGS

TO THE MAN WHO IS

ACTUALLY IN THE ARENA,

WHO STRIVES VALIANTLY;

WHO ERRS, WHO COMES

SHORT AGAIN AND AGAIN;

WHO KNOWS 

GREAT ENTHUSIASMS;

WHO SPENDS HIMSELF

IN A WORTHY CAUSE;

WHO AT THE BEST 

KNOWS IN THE END

THE TRIUMPH OF

HIGH ACHIEVEMENT, 

AND WHO AT THE WORST, 

IF HE FAILS, 

AT LEAST HE FAILS

WHILE DARING GREATLY.

That morning a feeling long dormant inside of me stirred. There are many names for this feeling. Some call it simple emotion, others say their destiny is speaking. The most hardcore gamer would call it Entering Beast Mode. A religious man may say God has shown him peace. Others might consider themselves touched by enlightenment. I call it… The Chi. To me its just words to say, but what it means is an entire different ball game that spans an entire lifetime. A permanent tether of spirit to mind, mind to body and body to earth. A force that unifies all. When the Chi is functioning, when it is flowing things happen. Ready or not.

Soo where are the stars on this one? Well Thursday March 12th, 2015…

Source; Metro News, Horoscopes by Sally Brompton

You may have to rethink your plans over the next few days as Saturn begins a retrograde phase. Don’t give on them completely though.

Read this at the end of the day as per usual. I had plans, they required a bit of retooling. Saturn is toying with my Chi maybe. I’ve not given up though…

I’m just getting started. 

One year ago today. Happy B-Day to me!!!

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One year ago today I celebrated my birthday in the Nova Scotia Hospital, Mayflower unit. And I made a friend 🙂 Shona. Though life is busy and I am well on my way to recovery I wanna Thank Shona and everyone who supported me and helped me along the way. This is a little bit of a list so bare with me;

I would like to first thank Lenard & Ladean Chevrette for being there when I needed them. Thanks for sleeping on my apartment floor and watching over me. Thanks for driving me to my procedure. Thanks for being hospitable to my Dad and making time in your busy lives to make sure my needs were met. And Thank you for being my friends.

Thanks so much to my Dad for coming to Toronto and staying with me through the tough times. For spending the week with me and suffering through all my fears, obsessions and eccentricities. Thank you to Randy Perry and my Dad also for moving all my personal effects back home to Halifax, NS.

Thank you times a million to my life long friend Deacon Day and his wife Avril. Thanks for coming to Toronto and flying me home. Thanks for listening to all my rants and striving to be supportive even in my darkest moments. Thank you for drawing the line in the sand and getting me the help I need. Your care and consideration is likely the biggest contributor to my recovery.

Thank you to Trevor Crystal and partner Janet for all your help. Janet made the time in her schedule to drive me around, take care of some final errands and offer kind words of support in my moments of suffering. Thanks to Trevor for arranging a gathering of all my friends before I left Toronto for Home. I miss all of my friends in Ontario. Hopefully I can visit you all sometime soon.

Thank you to my employer and friend Bill Greene and his wife Leslie for offering genuine concern and support. Thank you for your kindness. Thank you to Leslie for consulting with me about my health and providing me with professional insight regarding alternative medicines. I still follow your suggested regiments and I continue to feel the positive life impact. Thank you Bill for taking me to the health food store and providing me with the financial support necessary to make my purchases.

Thanks again also to Trevor and Derek “Bulldog” Whitbread (hope I spelled the last name right) for bringing my bikes home. My babies made it back in one piece and a year later I am back in the saddle and loving every moment of it. Thank you also to Sears, Ride to Conquer Cancer for their co-operation with Trevor and Derek in the safe transport of my bikes.

Huge Thanks out to all the friends I’ve made here in Halifax. Thank you to Connections, Halifax. Thank you to my contact person Mike Nahirnak for getting me through the tough times and keeping me grounded. Thank you to Heather MacDonald  for also supplying a listening ear and offering supportive feed back. Thank you Nancy Beck for also listening to my concerns, helping me to grow and understand the meaning of recovery. Thank you to Doctor Dini for your listening ear and working with me to find the right chemical cocktail to keep me on the right side of recovery. Thank you also to the entire Connections staff. You have all played a huge role in my recovery and without you I may not have made it to the productive and fulfilling place I am in life at this moment.

Thank you to anyone I may have missed, Connections Members & Members of other support groups I attend. Life is back on track and please know that no matter who you are and how little you think your actions may have impacted my recovery. Truly know that every positive action no matter how big or small has helped to build me up into the strong and healthy man you see today.

Thank you, and Happy B-Day to me 🙂

 

Open Studio @ Connections; a little Walter White fan art :)

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I love Breaking Bad, I watched it like an addiction lol. It just seemed fitting to include a sketch in the Static Motion line up. This scene is where Walter explodes his rental/lease vehicle in an empty parking lot. He’s sitting somberly as he watches the fireworks. Enjoy 🙂 Pls note this work is not an original, the image is partially traced and a replication of a photo I found online. I just put my own spin on it. This is not for sale. For personal use only.

Production day; 1. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I am excited!

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Today was AWESOME! Best word I got in my vocab to explain the entire process I experienced today. Yesterday I hit all my vendors after doing some price crunching and calling about looking for natural products made in Canada.

Today started early, I barely slept I was soo excited lol. Check it out:

9:30 Am – arrive @ Connections

10:00 Am – prewash my fabrics

11:00 Am – dry fabrics/preshrink

11:15 Am – started new art piece; Static Motion #5

12:15 Pm – lunch

12:45 Pm – volunteer for dish crew

1:15 Pm – prep for ironing my fabrics

note; Prep takes up a lot of my time, prep and tear down. But that’s how you roll when your using public resources in an already cramped for space location. I got no issue with it really, its allowing me to pull off my mini venture. No complaints here. Only praise and Thanks! Thank you Connections for being supportive!

2:00 Pm – I managed to get everything together, the iron was not the most premium and the fabric was a bit disagreeable. But I found the perfect table, some natural sunlight and ironed it up. It went pretty well I think all things considered.

2:30 Pm – laid down my pattern and cut all my pieces. Normally in mass production this part is done by a press and they cut like 100 pieces of fabric @ a time. I cut em out one by one. Ya gotta start somewhere 😉

3:00 Pm – Everything is set, time to sew and sew I did. I managed to pull off 27 bags, 33 was my goal. This is for one hour of production time.

4:00 Pm – clean-up. Can’t leave my things out. Gotta make sure everything is locked up for the weekend.

4:30 Pm – leave Connections. I cycle and sometimes my bike takes the long way home 🙂

5:45 Pm – dinner… Step into my office. They let me work @ the Diner 🙂

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8:00 Pm – Home, blogging. Below; a days work 🙂

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Soo satisfied! I think this weekend I am gonna take it off for reals, no volunteering. No public events. Just chill @ home, game & doodle. Listen to music. Just chill.

Next week I go full ham, 100 Bags by Wednesday. Stamps for branding by Friday. The stamp has been delayed a few times. I’m carving the stamp myself by hand. Materials and tools have been an issue. There is pretty much only two art stores downtown and when stuffs outta stock ect. ya gotta run back n forth. Can’t get everything you need in one place. Gotta get price matching, blah blah blah.

All in all. Everything said and done. I had a great production day, I learned a lot of stuff and I feel the knowledge is just gonna keep pouring in. Lay it on me!

I miss meds

I miss meds. When I miss em…

Things get real fucked up.

Last night I am pretty sure I missed my meds. When I say pretty sure, I have no idea. I have tried many different tricks to indicate that I’ve taken my meds. If I take them, I question if I really did take them. My latest attempt to document taking my meds includes taking a picture of my the medication.

The problem, I can’t remember if I took a pic. I look @ my phone and I don’t necessarily believe I took the pic. So I took my meds and forgot to take the pic? I tell myself, no picture means I didn’t take them. But again, I don’t believe it. Then I get scared I’m doubling up. Or I get scared I’m not take’n enough and I’m really tweaking my brain. The paranoia over just this along with many other obsessions that I struggle to keep on lockdown are sometimes enough to ask if I am legit loosing my mind or my memory.

Most of the time I just ignore it. But it’s something I need to get under control. I want to return to work. I want to have a successful relationship. I want to be successful in my entrepreneurial pursuits.

Last night I am pretty certain I missed my meds. I don’t know for sure, but I am pretty sure. I didn’t sleep at all, which is a pretty good indicator. If I do take them I can’t stay awake. If I don’t take em I wake up in an anxiety ridden cold sweat. I am often confused and agitated. And oddly enough I’m hyper-sexual. This particular med I take suppresses my sex drive. I’m really sensitive to the medication, if I make even the slightest change it upsets my routine and fucks my mood and my day.

I feel like almost a prisoner. I take X amount of this med and now I am dependent. I try to make a change and shit goes sideways. And it is never a good time for shit to go sideways. I am trying to work and be functional. I don’t want to be a slave to this.