And and little bit of History;
I’ve been walking about the train tracks near my apartment. I collect little bits of the nuts & bolts, the broken bones of aging tracks. Right now some of my findings are a bit more interesting than the average railway spike.
Here in Dartmouth I live just under an 50+ Yr old bridge that is going through a major facelift. The Big Lift is the first ever in history undertaking of completely refurbishing a bridge while it is still open (Hit the link for more information). Some of the parts jammed into this vase are original parts shed from the bridge construction.
When I unplugged my recovery support unit…
I found a whole new world. I am back to work now, most anyone that reads my blog knows I’m now working in the bike industry again. And… I LOVE IT!
I know transitioning is hard, I did it slow. I set 3 Goals, part time work (started at the QEII) then two part time jobs within 6 Months to a Year (I was hired on with FRED 6 Months after the QEII) I then worked for FRED and IDEALBIKES for another 3 – 6 Months and now recovery Day X lands directly on top of full time employment with IDEALBIKES.
I love it, I love my co-workers & my employer is amazing. I mean all workplaces have their hiccups and I am not always the most passive person making grinding gears a touch more common BUT… There is very little stress thanks to the management style of my employer.
I never thought this is where life would land me. I made a plan though, I sat down with my councilors. We started with the simple stuff, wake up in the morning. Shower, brush your teeth. Leave the house and be productive. Every Day! Even if your productivity yields the smallest of rewards.
And you know, I had set backs. I made mistakes. I lapsed once. I learned my life lessons. Here I am, standing at the gates of achievement. The gates have opened and I see nothing but endless opportunity. And it all starts with setting a small goal in the shadow of a bigger picture.
Don’t be scared, step out into the world… But walk at your own pace. Success comes in all shapes and sizes. Be kind to yourself and live to the maximum potential your situation permits. Satisfaction Guaranteed 😉
When my Life & the Stars collide (Pt. 3)
I’ve been collecting my horoscopes for three Months now. March 9th marks the first occurrence of what I feel to be an alignment of the stars. I collected horoscopes today from three separate sources and here is my interpretation of how they are relevant to my life status.
Source; The Flying Cow, Signs for Bovines. Vol. 14:5 March 2015
“You aren’t likely to please everyone but, the people who truly care about you will understand. A break will do you some good and allow you to rethink your strategy. Then you will be back on track and hard to stop.”
This was actually published while I was taking my “break” … I didn’t leave the house for days. Engaged no one and literally just vegetated. And I know not everyone agrees that this is the best course of action. But, I know the most important people in my life understand that sometimes I’m gonna pull the plug. I’m gonna go off the grid and if I need legit help I will reach out.
After about 10 or 15 days of sitting in the dark I decided to put the warpaint back on and head out to face the world. Reevaluate, seek council and renew my vigor. I am building inertia and soon this train will be hard to stop again.
Source; Metro News, Horoscopes by Sally Brompton. March 9, 2015
“You don’t have to wait until later this month to plan what you are going to do. Start now. The more you look ahead the more successful you will be.”
Day 1 back to real life I sought advice. I spoke with my councillors and started researching, digging for insight on how to achieve my loftiest goals. Start small, think big and the reality is that it starts now.
Rome wasn’t built in a day. And I won’t fulfill all my lifes ambitions in one day. If I succeed in laying even one stone each day or a stone every two or three days, eventually I will build something…
Source; The Coast, Free Will Astrology. Vol. 22 No. 40 March 5 – 11
“To depict what lay beyond the limits of the known world, medieval mapmakers sometimes drew pictures of dragons and sea serpents. Their images conveyed the sense that these territories were uncharted and perhaps risky to explore. There were no actual beasties out there, of course. I think it’s possible you’re facing a comparable situation. The frontier realm you are wandering through may seem to harbour real dragons, but I’m guessing they are all of the imaginary variety. That’s not to say you should entirely let down your guard. Mix some craftiness in with your courage. Beware of your mind playing tricks.”
Fear of the unknow. Drawings of dragons and serpents. A picture often painted in my mind, spiritual turmoil and twisted depictions of serpents along with other strange beasts. Ideas that were cultivated to portray a broken world. Dreamed up to scare people out of taking risks. In my history I decided to challenge these ideas, challenge myself and venture to the far edges of the map. The edge of the map is my home now. And they were right, their are imaginary creatures that drag up strange and twisted stories. Really though its mostly situations of all bark and no bite. People conjuring up unnecessary drama or overreacting to perceived dangers. Attacking anything that threatens their comfortable way of life with forked tongues.
One does need to be cautious, but not afraid. My experience with courage has been that it is a learned thing. It takes a certain “craftiness” to out think the over dramatic. A certain mixed attitude of being on guard, swift thinking and having a good poker face. A person needs to be on the watch not to out think themselves. I’ve been there, the circle jerk of paranoid delusions and obsessive behavior.
I got that nailed down though thankfully, a good shrink and the correct cocktail of prescription medication does wonders for the tortured mind. Not to mention a good nights sleep 😉 Speaking of sleep. I’m off… Enjoy.
Above; Pen & water based markers mixed with a little highlighter on news print.
I’ve been standing still for about a week now, if you read my previous posts a person can see a bit of trend. I’m dragging ass a little. Who can blame me though? The city is perma frozen under three to six inches of ice. I’ve fallen more times than I care to count trying to make my way from point A to point B.
I managed to get out to The Spot. It was nice, get out to see some familiar faces. I had a nice reaffirming conversation with my employment councillor Heather that going back to school is a good choice. But I really do need to be productive. If I want to be a recognized and respected artist I need to produce. And right now I am finding that really hard. Inspiration doesn’t come easy these days. I am barely inspired to get out of bed. Heather says I need to build some inertia… I believe her.
Figured I’d start with the doodle of the day, Titled; Instrument of Divnity (and yeah, Divinity is spelled wrong. Its a thing. I spell pretty much everything wrong in all my drawings or paintings) I did in passing mention the idea to Heather of igniting the flame of creativity with maybe a little graff art. Something bold to jump start this tired old engine 😉 Being a responsible councillor she did not agree with me lol.
I’m gonna mix in a little recovery Day X with this post…
Its been a couple, nah maybe a few weeks since my last post. I really needed some time and space in more than one way. My social routine was becoming too routine and I’m being forced to make some changes.
My short lived relationship attempt really is a failure that I need to acknowledge. Not because it CAN’T work but because it SHOULDN’T work. I think we both see that and I don’t pressure her, she doesn’t indulge me… It just worked out that way. Not from a lack of trying though. We still have our friendship, with a little “time and space” it is something that will last a long time I hope. Can’t lie though, I already miss sharing the physical and intellectual landscape with another person so closely. Being alone is simple but somehow the adjustment feels so complicated.
I’ve found myself needing to withdraw from society a little. I get the warning signs. Anything and everything drives me to near homicidal madness. The person walking too slow on the sidewalk, the dirty and sickly fucker on the bus that can’t be bothered to shower. The one that snarfs down a litre of snot and spits on the bus floor. The circular ramblings of society about politics, religion, equality, sex (that no one is having)… Impatient egomaniacs that want to micromanage the world but take no responsibility for dropping the ball because obviously it could not have been their fault. But the fault of someone working under their guiding hand. The world tweaks my mind and I don’t like it. So I vacation from time to time, like everyone else but instead of going out into the world. I stay in and pass the time gluing my fractured mind back together.
I know that “time and unforeseen occurrences befall us all”. But there is nothing I feel more broken over these days then the crushing defeat of not meeting a goal. We are not talking by a few days or weeks either. I am talking Months. I have soo many goals it spans into my retirement and on into the afterlife. The problem is that I see one topple and well thats not soo bad but then another follows, and another. Before I know it goals and deadlines are pouring off the calendar like monsoon rains. Then even the simplest act of getting out of bed in the morning becomes a goal in itself. Showering, brushing my teeth. Leaving the house. I start from the ground up, struggling to just take care of myself let alone accomplishing anything of note.
Today was my first day back to work in over a week. I had to be human today. Thankfully my manager requires I look human while also performing my job tasks. I wake up, wash my face and brush my teeth. I smell good, trim my beard and fix my hair just so. And I wander out of my repair bay into the real world. Often I don’t like it at first, but I get used to it. By time I get off (literally and figuratively) I feel like maybe there is a little more fuel in the tank. I come home, and I write. After I write, I do. After this I will reevaluate, reorganize, re crunch the numbers, rebuild…